An obese unmarried girl…who lost & found her soul

Somewhere in between being hurt by the comments about my obesity and the pressure to get married, I lost my self. The self-confident, uber optimist girl forgot to live. I became self-loathing, insecure, broken woman. I paused my life for the past 7 or so years and solely focused on the pain of not able to have any friends and not able to find a suitable person to marry.  Below is my journey and how I let others effect how I feel.

I was a happy optimist strong willed girl with full of self-confidence and belief that if you really try hard you can achieve anything you want. I don’t remember how I was when I was below 3 years. But since then I was not really fat but of on healthier side. As I aged the comments also progressed from what started as cute she is chubby to she is an obese ugly pig.  As a child when someone called me fat, the bad feeling was very short lived. Forget it and continue to do what I want to do. I used to play lot of physically strenuous games for hours together and there was nothing I wouldn’t take part in. All that mattered was how well you can play.

As a teenager, the comments started making more impact and I slowly stopped participating in physical activities. Occasionally when I wanted to try, I was promptly reminded by elders how fat I am and why I shouldn’t do it. I was an enthusiastic reader with crazy imagination since I was a toddler. Books came to my rescue almost all the time. I used to forget all the pain when I am lost in my own book world. In my first passport photo as a teenager taken for school,  I smiled heartily with nice chunk of cheeks. The comments made about that photo stopped me from smiling in any photo for some time. I slowly started avoiding being clicked. I still feel awkward to be in front of camera.  Though these comments hurt, I used to channel them to fuel my desire to come up in life. In school, it is pretty girls who get all compliments and attention like everywhere else. But when it comes to studies or in need of help, I was the go to person most of the time. That taught me the power of knowledge. my revenge plan for all the snide comments was the thought that when I am in better position in life, you will come to me. Which sounds silly now. As a teenager there were times when I prayed to god to take away my ability to gain knowledge and give me beauty. Slowly I stopped caring about my body. Anyway I am fat so what difference does it make if I gain another KG? In either case, the pain is same right.

On the other hand, before I even finished my schooling, there were talks about marrying me off. I don’t know if my family wanted to do it then or not but elders around me started talking that. That really humiliated me before my friends and scared me. My family started talking about it when I was 15. I strongly told them I want to study and my uncle supported me. I am sure had they tried to marry me off then, I would have run away or rebelled. I just loved studies too much to go for anything else. Since then I was always made to feel I am too old and running out of time. That pressure is never off. It is not just family, the so called well-wishers around us contribute great deal to this pressure.

But actual damage to my self-confidence started when I joined a good MNC. That was one of the turning points in my life in terms of achievement but also towards my self-confidence. It all started on a wrong note. I didn’t know anything about the corporate culture and couldn’t cope up with these comments about my weight. What were getting-to-know-you friendly comments for my colleagues, were really insulting and hurtful for me. I really dreaded going to office for the first couple of months. It was a bit respite when a kind soul took me under her wing and helped me understand the culture. She didn’t go by my outer looks or my reputation. My requests didn’t stop the comments by other colleagues specially the guys. I had to threaten them with complaining to the higher up. This at least stopped the on my face comments and also earned me various titles. I was branded as rude, not so friendly, not-to-mess up with girl, etc. which still continues. I am a strong person and will speak up sooner or later if I think something is not right. I just want to tell those colleagues, behind that so called rude girl, there is a sensitive girl who was and still hurts by your senseless comments. I would rather be upfront than hurt.

I recently got engaged. I don’t know if this works or not. Don’t know what my future holds. But this engagement made me realize the years I lost to live. It was a beautiful phase I lost that won’t return. I should have lived and enjoyed the moments. Things would happen when they have to. I don’t know how I forgot the mantra “everything happens for a reason and you are the creator or your own destiny” that helped me throughout my life. There were good times and good things in past seven years, I just wanted to write down this side of my story which I hardly shared so far. Do I blame others for this pain? No, I let them cause this. They were who their souls are. I am the only one responsible for my happiness or sorrows.

If anyone reading this, I would request you to think before commenting or questioning someone’s choice. You don’t know the backstage tears, hurt or reasons. All we see is the show that person put up for us.

Our life, Our choices.

still waiting...

Soon it is going to be 10 years....

i am still waiting for you... Aren't suppose to be the most forgiving person on this earth and come back? I know how strong willed you are. But I also know the soft side of yours. The love you hold for others.

When you couldn't imagine hurting even the strangers how can you so cruelly punish me? I am still hoping and searching for you Amma. Please come back.. You are not supposed to hurt us. Amma, you know, when you were here, i used wonder and wish why you were not like others. but now I know you can never be like others. because no one can match you even if they try their entire life. I was stupid and couldn't understand that. Now i know.

Ma, i miss you so much. Even after all these years i still search the crouds around me for atleast a glimpse of you. I tried searching for something that resembles you in many amazing people whom i crossed paths with. strangely no one seemed to be not even remotely near you no matter how great they were. I should have known this earlier.

I am very very proud to be your daughter and wish i made you proud atleast once. Miss you a lot. Were you ever atleast once were proud of me? I no longer have the peace or the joy. the only solace i get is when i see you in my dreams. I for some crazy reason still wants to beleive that it is all a joke and you will just come back again when it is timeout. I truly beleive that. But the passing time is making it very difficult.

Amma, I feel very lonely in this world. I have no one to love, share or care. Why did you leave me. I need someone to love me and tell me what to do next, to correct me, scold me and assure me everything will be fine. I need you very badly Amma. In such a big world i dont have a single person. Please come back. There are few good people around but no one to match you. Am i such a bad person that you cant forgive me.

Please Amma, come back. I am not able to control myself. I know in few hours i have to start my daily routine so want to sleep now. but these tears doesn't seem to be stop rolling. no matter how much I write the pain doesn't seem to be going away.

Give me only one chance, forgive and come back Amma. I promise, i will never ever disappoint you. Please..............

Finally started

My first blog post. Starting this blog to write about something that I am holding back for long time.